This conversation is for married, committed relationships, those that desire a committed relationship… so basically the vast majority fits into one of those categories. I think everyone can take some notes here because I am going to give you some tools to avoid some pain in your future. Some of you might be newly weds saying, we don’t need help in this department but just take notes because you’ll need what I’m getting ready to give you a little later on in life because we all can get into this place because it is natural.
It’s human to lose some passion. You know when the spice is no longer spicy and the relationship is feeling pretty bland, boring… HOW DO I GET THE PASSION BACK IN MY RELATIONSHIP? How do I get some spice back? How do I get the fire? How do we bring romance and passion into our lives? How do we get that back? I am not going to lie, I have asked that question more than once because sometimes you have to learn things multiple times. And I don’t care how good you are, you’re always going to come back to this. There’s also relationships with season; I’ve been married for 22 year, happily married and I love my wife. My parents have been married for like fifty years and her parents have also been a great influence. I’ve had some pretty great relationship examples in my life which I am very, very grateful for.
This right here, this is foundational. If you have ever been in that place or are currently in that place where your relationship lacks passion… I am going to answer how to bring it back in a little different sort of way. Here’s what I would say, some of you are aware of masculine and feminine energy and then there is the idea that magnets: two positives repel and two negatives repel… so the same thing happens when you try to put to masculine charged people because there is no polarity, no contrast in how you show up in your relationship. And maybe it is that way within your relationship with the feminine energy. The answer I want to give you of how to bring the passion back to your relationship is to bring back more polarity.
YOU LOST THE PASSION BECAUSE YOU LOST POLARITY.
You want more passion, bring back more polarity in your relationship. Sure some of you are scratching your heads and saying, You have lost me. Let me break this down. And in the process I am going to teach you some things I’ve learned from Tony Robbins. He touches on this during his Unleash the Power Within and also even deeper with Date With Destiny events. These events have changed my life, but he talks about the whole idea of masculine and feminine energy (also another book I recommend is called Fully Alive and it covers this topic as well with the Christian foundation – which many of you already know is my foundation) and getting that into alignment.
Let’s look at how if you come at this from a negative perspective on how to destroy intimacy in a relationship… I’m going to give you a full-proof way to do that.
Let’s start with the gentlemen, if you would like to destroy intimacy with your significant other, here’s what you need to do. You need to make her feel these three things:
Make her feel invisible, forgotten and that she just doesn’t matter.
Whether it is physical danger, emotional trauma, financially unstable… just do it.
- Not Understood
If you really want to take it over the top, make her feel not understood. That could come in the form of when she is talking and you just don’t listen to make her feel like she is blue in the face… and you don’t ever ask clarifying questions or make her feel like she is heard. Or if you want to go the foolproof way — just tell her exactly what she thinks. And if she has emotions that you don’t agree with, tell her how they’re wrong and fix them for her.
If you really want to ruin intimacy… do all the things I have mentioned. I bet some of you don’t appreciate my sarcasm. But seriously gentlemen, what are you going to do to build intimacy that creates polarity between you and your wife or your significant other? How do you lean into that relationship and make her come alive in the beauty she was created to be by God? The opposite of those three things – It is pretty simple.
Instead of making her feel unseen, make her feel seen! How do you do that? Give her your attention all the time. I know that seems impossible, but if you’re feeling the gap, the distance, the lack of passion… you turning that around, let me tell you, it is not going to start in the bedroom. To make her feel seen, to rebuild and rekindle the passion in your marriage or committed relationship, give her attention.
Make her feel safe! And again, that is emotionally, that is physically. If you’ve got some anger issues and you don’t deal with it, you will probably never have intimacy in your relationship or marriage because that anger seeps into your marriage. So stop taking it out on her. And think about financially safe as well, some of you all need to get a job or create another stream of income. You need to stop spending more than you make and have some money in the bank. Ask her how much she needs to have in the bank to feel safe and secure financially and then do whatever it takes legally to get that amount of money in the bank to give her that safety, security and peace of mind which will have an impact in the bedroom. It might not be immediate… but then again intimacy is not just about physical passion.
I’ve done marriage counseling for 20 plus years and I know what this is about and I am talking about the real aspects of it. So how do you rekindle that? You make her feel heard, you make her feel understood. You in the process become a good listener. Ask questions, be present so that you can meet that need in her life.
You do those three things and you watch her come alive. Watch the beauty of that feminine energy. Some of you have been married to someone and they’ve been operating in more masculine energy because you have not been doing your job. You have not been giving these three things to her and so she has felt like she needed to survive on her own.
TURN IT AROUND:
MAKE HER FEEL SEEN
MAKE HER FEEL SAFE
AND MAKE HER FEEL UNDERSTOOD.
You will be shocked at the ripple effect that creates in your relationship.
It’s your turn ladies! and I am talking to all the ladies in relationships: married and committed. Here are the foolproof ways to shut down intimacy, shut down the masculine energy, destroy the polarity that creates attractions in your relationship.
- Be Critical
Be as critical as you can be of your significant other. Just beat them down when they do something wrong, no matter how small it is, like blow it up and tell them where they get it wrong. And if they do three things and two of them are right and one of them is wrong, just focus on what they did wrong. Don’t give them any credit for the other two and just beat them up… but here is the secret sauce: do this in front of other people. Do it in front of the kids, their boss, some friends and it will amplify the effect of this. You will destroy that intimacy so much quicker.
- Close Yourself Off
Emotionally. Spiritually. Physically. So that when he comes to you because that is what a man is supposed to do, just shut him down, close yourself off, turn your back, walk away, say no, reject him, tell him you have a headache… and if you close him off long enough, he is going to stop approaching you. Whether it is emotionally, spiritually, physically… ANY OF THOSE AREAS, if you close yourself off enough, he will stop making an effort. And so that puts you well on your way to completely shutting down the intimacy with your significant other.
- Control Him
Just don’t let him make decisions. Act as if he does not have a brain. Now guys, I am kind of tongue and cheek and trying to have a little fun with this, but some of you ladies watching this… you’re shocked that your relationship doesn’t have the passion and the romance. He never surprises me, he doesn’t treat me like he used to.
And yet if you go down the list and ask yourself, Am I critical? Am I closed off? Am I controlling? Give honest answers. You might find yourself saying, “Oh my goodness, I’ve shut them down. I’ve destroyed the polarity that creates attraction. I’ve ruined the passion.” And you just have to take ownership of that. And just like the guys, I’ve been pretty hard on the ladies, too. I’m just trying to be honest with you, because I’ve been with my wife (and we have shared our story publicly) and there was a year or so we went without having sex in our marriage and I felt so closed off. And it was tough. These things are real.
And if you flip those three things around ladies, YOU WILL LIGHT UP YOUR RELATIONSHIP. You want to bring back the passion, the fire, the spicy, the romance… here are the three things you can do to get those things back!
You need to affirm him instead of criticizing.
- Be open!
You need to choose to be open and playful. When was the last time you were playful with your significant other? Because that openness, that playfulness, that beauty of that feminine nature of how God made you to be open and playful is who you were meant to be.
- Give them Freedom
Instead of control, give them freedom. Give them freedom to be who he was designed to be: to be, to learn, to fail…
Ladies, I know you think you know how to drive better than him and he’s not that good at it, but let the man drive. Think about it. Every time you get into the car, you shut down intimacy. He takes the wrong turn, you become overly critical.
I’m just being honest. If you want to relight the fire in your committed relationship, it is not that complicated. You do these three things for your husband, for your wife, for your significant other and watch what will happen. Here’s the beauty, you don’t need to show this to your significant other and point out what will fix your relationship. We don’t point fingers. Take responsibility. Hear this: What do I need to do? How can I take full responsibility?
I really hope that this served you and that you are ready to increase the polarity in your relationship that brings back the passion and attraction back into your relationship! I have given you the tools. I want you all to have passion-filled, life-fulfilling relationships, and this is the part where I tell you to go out there and give your greatness to the world. You should give love to your significant other if you have got one to bring back the passion!! I love you guys, have a great week!!