We’re going to have some more readers on this blog because we put sex in the title and it wasn’t just for shock value. We are really going to talk about sex right now, praticulaly sex from a married perspective. If you’re not married, don’t worry, this will probably still help you. Here’s a conversation I have often with clients and people that I serve is: Hey, like I, I really like to have more sex in my marriage, but my spouse doesn’t want to do. So what do I do? So, let’s talk about sex, baby. You know I had to do that, you might be embarrassed for me right now or reading this with a little pink in your cheeks, it’s okay. I can handle it.
It is a difficult place to be when, the intimate aspect of your relationship is lacking when you’re not having the sex that you want.
And if you’re the person that’s like, I want to have more sex, it’s difficult for you because you feel like needs aren’t getting met. If you’re the person on the other side (which I haven’t been this person but my wife and I have navigated this), it’s hard for them, too. You might need to have a little bit more empathy because no matter which side you’re on, but when I’m getting ready to share with you is very helpful. If you’re in that place and I guess I should probably tell you my context, I’ve been there. I was there for a long time in my marriage. I’ve been married 21 years. And there was a very dark, difficult time in our marriage where my wife and I actually, we had a time where we went like a year without having sex.
Go ahead and pick your jaw up off the floor.
Some people were like, you’re not a man if you let that happen. Well, I got really good at loving my wife and I have learned some lessons that some of you guys might find helpful. Some of you are waiting for your wife to get fixed, husband to get fixed… like don’t fix them and get it together. What I am going to share with you came from some long and hard lessons learned. You need to hear what I am getting ready to share:
If you will have more sex and your spouse doesn’t want to take back your power, stop playing the victim, stop pointing fingers, stop blaming your spouse. And I speak with authority on this because I spent a lot of time doing that myself. Did it get any better? Did it make anything better in my relationship with my wife? No. Did it make me more miserable? You better believe it.
If you want to shift your relationship, if you want to shift that intimate aspect of your marriage; you are not going to be able to do it, if you are waiting on them to do it. And you’re praying prayers, God fix them, fix them, fix them, get help them, get it together. And you’re talking to them and say, get a counselor. You need to, you need to get it together. You need some medication.
If you try to fix it like that, it is not going to change your relationship for the better., I mean, maybe if you get lucky, but I highly doubt it’s going to work. You need to take back your power and you need to start asking different questions about what’s your role in the way our relationship is right now. What can I do differently? And I’m going to give you several very practical things, but this is a starting point.
Take back your power, because if you don’t, you’re going to be miserable and continue to suffer for a long time. If you take back your power, nothing in your relationship actually has to change for you to be happy and fulfilled and to be able to find joy. You are responsible for your own happiness. As much as if you’re married, I want you to have sex and you should be having sex. If you can’t be happy and fulfilled without it, you got some deep work to do, man. This is not going to be a popular blog. Nobody’s going to be sharing this one.
This was a big shift for me during that season of difficult transition to our marriage. I had to get the realization that I needed to be a giver, not a taker. Find ways to serve, find ways to give love, to give support, to give grace. What I realized when I got into that dark place, it was all about me, me, me, me, me.
I know none of you have been in that place… ha, not. You know you have been in that place. That place where; I’m not getting what I need and I’m not disregarding or diminishing that you really do have physical needs (and not just physical, but emotional, even spiritual needs like in, in this area). But listen, making the shift to say, I’m going to give more than I take. I’m going to give more than I receive. I promise you that it is going to impact your relationship to make the shift, I’m going to be the giver; I’m going to set the tone, an example in our relationship. I AM GOING TO BE A GIVER.
It doesn’t take long before you start to see the changes and you begin to receive a whole lot more than you were before. Some of you are like, well, I want to be a giver. But I don’t know what to give, I don’t know what they need.
Learn how to learn your spouse better in a very practical way. I have mentioned this before, take the Five Love Languages Quiz. It is free. There’s five, love languages: Physical Touch, Words of Affirmation, Quality Time, Acts of Service, and Gifts. Every person has one or two of these that rises to the top and is how you best receive love. And so does your spouse. And that is how you are going to know what to give them.
So my wife’s love languages are quality time and gifts. When we had young young children, her number one shifted from quality time to acts of service, because my wife wanted me to love her by doing some laundry and changing some diapers.
And so if you know that your wife’s love language is gifts and you are giving her words of affirmation, guess what. You are not giving her what she needs. So learning to love our spouse better means learning to disk. We’ve got to discover how they want to receive love the most, how they feel love the most.
For me, I’m words of affirmation and physical touch. That’s how my wife can love me most. She doesn’t feel as much love; when she feels loved is when I give her quality time and gifts, they sparkle even better. So learn to love your spouse, better. Take the quiz.
Some of you might be in this difficult place and there is the unspoken tension. And you’re not talking about it. You need to talk to your spouse without attacking one another, pointing the finger, saying things like you need to get it together. Some of you have done that and that didn’t work out too well for you, did it? You need to talk. You need to be vulnerable. You need to be honest. You need to be sensitive to their feelings, right?
You know, if you’re the female and you’re like, I want more sex, but my husband and doesn’t understand. There’s some layers there for a male that make this even more difficult at awkward, right? The dynamics, there’s a lot of emotional dynamics, but some of you have never had the conversation. And so you might have to say some hard things, but you just need to say it in love. And some of you you’ve been in a dark place for a while. You might want to fix it, know you need to fix it, but you haven’t had the conversations.
I’m encouraging you to come from a healthy, emotional, stable (that means to not have this conversation when you were rejected-that’s not going to be the right time) and say, Hey, can we have a conversation and create a safe place here? Listen, don’t judge, just give her or him a safe place to have a conversation. You’ve got to talk about it. But to be honest, whatever you discover in that conversation, you’re not going to be able to sort it out on your own. Not likely.
Tell the truth and get some help. You’re going to need support to do that deep work in your relationship that can build trust: that can build strength, that can create that intimacy. By the way, most of you think the intimate aspect is the problem. I can almost guarantee that is not the intimacy aspect. It is not like you don’t know how to have sex and your chemicals are off. There is a deeper root that is impacting that aspect of your relationship.
FIND A MENTOR: Look to a couple that has been married a long time and has what you want. Have a conversation. Doesn’t cost you a penny, just time, intentionality, and effort.
Get a Coach, Therapist, or Counselor: If you’re going to get a therapist, make sure they are therapists who are going to lead you on a path to hope and wholeness, not just listen to you and like, not fix anything you want. You want somebody that’s going to take you to the next level of communication and intimacy by getting to the root. There’s a lot of times coaches are more focused on that. Like, okay, what are the tangible results, the outcomes that we’re going to get.
I hope that these help you because listen, if you’re in that frustrated place, you don’t have to stay there. You shouldn’t don’t stay there. I hope you’re able to grab hold of something, by the way, maybe it’s not your sex life that’s broken, maybe it’s just your marriage in general. All these things are applicable to any aspect of your marriage; anger, intention, lack of connection… everything! I hope you were able to take something from this. Now go out there and do some work on your marriage! This is where we go out there to give our greatness to the world because somebody (your spouse!) needs what’s on the inside of you! Give it away! I love you guys. Have a great week.