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This is one of those conversations I have a lot… and it can be a hard one, but the question is:
What do I do when I outgrow my friends? And I know some of you are thinking, I’ve had some of my friends my whole life, they have been with me, these are my people. What do I do when I outgrow my peer group?
First let’s address what a peer group is: Your peer group, in simplicity, are the people that have enough influence in your life that you will adjust your decision making to stay in alignment with to remain in relationship with. It could be the five people that you spend the most time with. Or these are the people that can influence your life. Certainly proximity and time is a piece that creates these relationships.
Secondly, when you start to feel like you have outgrown your peer group, that does not make you a bad person. I’ve been there. And you are not being judgemental because they are not growing like you or they’re not hungry like you.
I don’t want to be a bad person, I don’t want to be judgemental, but I don’t really want to hang out with them as much anymore. They’re kind of dragging me down.
You’re not a bad person, you’re growing. You’re becoming the best version of yourself… and when you are growing, it shines a spotlight on mediocrity in other people’s lives.
Some of them, by the way, they’re going to act out, make fun of you, come against you because they don’t want to deal with their own mediocrity. There’s going to be people in your circle that are going to grow with you, others who they’re going to stay right where they are, and then there are those that are going to back track. People are going to make their own decisions, but what do you do?
WHAT’S THE DECISION YOU NEED TO MAKE?
If you feel like you are outgrowing your peer group, cause you’re an awesome person, way to grow! Way to do the work.
So what is the decision you need to make? In the five decisions, number three is to invite accountability and pursue proximity, to level up your peer group. Which means getting around the right people that make you a better you. These are people that draw out the greatness on the inside of you, they call you out on your crap excuses and they make you want to be a better person. THEY MAKE YOU LEVEL UP TO THE FULL POTENTIAL THAT’S ON THE INSIDE OF YOU. So you’ve got to make the decision not to settle for what has always been… pursue proximity around the right people that are going where you want to go. They understand the growth mindset.
And some of those friends that you feel like you’re outgrowing, if you try to hold them accountable, they’re going to get mad, they’re going to bristle, they’re going to back off, they’re going to go the other direction… and you’re probably going to think, What did I do? Because people who are living in mediocrity do not want to be held accountable. So if you try to bring some of that into their lives, they’re not going to want any of that. You’ve got to understand who you’re around.
Make that decision to pursue proximity and invite accountability. When you get around people that are achieving at a high level, they don’t bristle at accountability. They say, BRING IT ON. PUSH ME. CALL OUT THAT GREATNESS THAT IS ON THE INSIDE OF ME. BECAUSE WHEN YOU HOLD ME ACCOUNTABLE TO MY OWN DECISION TO MAKE MYSELF BETTER, I GET TO BECOME THE BEST VERSION OF MYSELF.
And remember you are a good person… you’re awesome and don’t back down because people don’t like it. You can’t allow other people’s mediocrity to keep you playing small at a lower level than you were destined for. You’ve got to be willing to take bold steps.
I feel like I’ve outgrown my friends… okay, bye, bye.
No. Don’t go alone! That saying it is lonely at the top, screw that.
Take some friends with you. Pick the people you love the most, the ones you enjoy being around the most, the people that make you laugh, the people that make you feel loved, the people that make you feel valued and known… WHO are those people?
And if you can take them with you, it is easier said than done. It’s not going to start by saying, Hey friend… could you start reading this book… going to this event…. and if you do those things, we can still be friends. That’s not going to work.
In my experience, what I have learned is this strategy: live your transformation. Become that best version of yourself because that means you are going to get better at loving people, listening to people, encouraging people, caring about people, and maybe help them solve problems in their lives… and not talking about YOURSELF too much. When they invite you into their lives… you are living the transformation; healthier relationships, healthier finances, living into making an impact, living into joy and fulfillment… they are going to want what YOU have, BUT not if you go pointing a finger, preaching and telling them what’s wrong and how they need to change (and if that is how you would go about it, you might not have grown as much as you think you have).
Be a beautiful example of growth and transformation that you want them to come into. LIVE. INTO. YOUR. TRANSFORMATION.
The second strategy I recommend is to invite them on the journey. Then, there’s no pressure. There’s no arm twisting. No manipulation. Open arms, invite them to go on the journey. Get intentional and take them with YOU.
You’re going to have to make some new friends. You are going to have to level up your peer group. YOu’re going to have to look around in your life and say… who is it that I have access to that I need to get around more? Who is it that I can reach up to? Who could I lean into and learn from, be mentored by?
I’ll never forget, there was a season in my life when I looked around and I felt so lonely. I felt like nobody got me. I just felt isolated. I was hungry, I was growing, life was getting better… and I felt like people were looking at me like I had three heads.
Most of you know, I’ve been a pastor for 25 years and when I started going down this path of personal development, business, growth, and entrepreneurship… There weren’t as m;any people around like when I was talking about the Bible and Jesus. When I started growing in different ways, I had to find other tools and resources and it got lonely for a season. I’ll never forget when I added in my daily affirmations: I’m surrounded by people who celebrate my abundance and encourage me to pursue my destiny. At that moment… I didn’t have that. NOW, I have so many of those people in my life; deep friendships, people who love me, celebrate me, cheer me on.
And so listen, don’t be discouraged. If you feel like you’ve outgrown your friends, take some with you, get some new ones and if those new ones aren’t there… speak them into existence. If you are a prayer, pray them into your life. I did a whole lot of that. Pursue new friendships, new connections. They are around you more than you realize. Some of them are just one degree of separation away.
Try this: instead of going to the McDonalds, go to the high end shopping area that you don’t go to much because that’s where the rich people go. Go over there, get a coffee like you own the joint. Park your Toyota Corolla around the corner and walk over and own it. Start conversations with people, make some new friends. YOU CAN BE THAT INTENTIONAL.
This is the BIG KAHUNA. Cause some of you are thinking… I don’t see anyone. This is what you are going to do… you are going to pay for some new friends. Now, I’m being a little tongue and cheek on that and I’m kind of serious. Because YOU need to make an investment to put yourself in a new sphere. Join a mastermind, join a coaching group (I know I’ve mentioned going to events) but here I’m talking more about putting yourself in an environment where you are going to consistently rub shoulders with people and have opportunities for friendships to begin.
Listen, I run masterminds for a living, I have communities and can I tell you what has happened? Some of my dearest friends in my life… they are paying clients of mine. And because we became friends… when I took my son on his 13th birthday trip, one of my dear friends and clients got to go deep sea fishing with us and go out to dinner. This guy is my dear friend, a mentor in some ways, and it is all because he decided to make an investment in himself.
So many people I’ve paid for. I’ve paid to put myself in environments to create opportunity. Some of you don’t like the idea of paying for friends. I’ll never forget… I had a one-on-one client and his wife used to make fun of him. She would say, Go get on your call with your paid-for-friend. That was early on… and now she is like, GO GET on YOUR Call. Because there has been deep transformation, lasting transformation, it is no longer a joke. And the truth is we have this deep, deep friendship… I could call him any day and he would show up in whatever way I needed him. And I would do the same for him.
So like some of you are hung up on the financial investment thing… and you don’t want to pay for friends. Get over it, I love you. Put yourself in an environment where friendships can begin to blossom, you can connect with people at a higher level… do it. Because they are going hard after life, pay to put yourself in that environment so you can get some friendships.
And if you don’t know where to start, you should probably message me. Drop me an email or a DM. We’ve got masterminds… and we’ve got a coaching community that is going to the next level in 2022. So send me a message, I’m ready to pay for friends. And then we will get you in an environment where friendships can blossom. I don’t guarantee best friends, but I can tell you things have happened in spectacular ways.
In my experience over the last five years of building this business and community, I’ve seen friendships deeper than you can believe. And it is a whole lot of fun!
So if you feel like you’ve outgrown your friends, stop complaining about it. Don’t moan and groan. TAKE.SOME.ACTION. Take some friends with you to begin to live into that transformation. Get some new friends, be intentional, put yourself in new environments and get around some new people. And thirdly, pay for some friends, new environments. Listen, if you level up your peer group this year, your life will never be the same.
I’m a living, walking, talking testimony that when I leveled up my peer group… Everything in my life began to shift and the same thing can happen for you! It’s a principle of the universe: we go further, faster together with the right people. YOU are the average of the five people you spend the most time with. Your life will be the direct reflection of the expectation of your peer group. When you begin to operate in that, your life is going to go UP.
And if you’ve been waiting for things to drop out of heaven, it’s time to get intentional and do the work yourself. Now go out there, get intentional and give your greatness to the world because somebody needs what is on the inside of you. Go out there and Give It Away. I love y’all, have a great day!
